I am Not [ ] Enough #1

Smart
Young
Cool
Hung
Strong
Rich
God

Still
Absurd
Doubting
Evil


I am Not [ ] Enough #2

abrasive

bad

cagey

damaged

eager

faded

gaping

habitual

incandescent

jaded

knowing (known)

lying/lyrical/luminous

macho-mysterious/man-child

numberless

obscene

pathetic

questionable

romantic

symptomatic

tenuous/testy

utopian

vast vengeful venomous verdant versed victorious vigorous vivacious voiceless volatile voracious vulgar villain

wry

x-rated

yellow

zealous zero


I am Not [ ] Enough #3

abrasive absent absorbing abstracted absurd abusive acceptable accessible accidental accurate acoustic acrid actually ad hoc adamant adaptable addicted adhesive adorable afraid agonizing ahead alcoholic alert alike alive alleged alluring aloof ambiguous ambitious amuck ancient animated apathetic aquatic aromatic aspiring assorted astonishing auspicious available average aware axiomatic

bad barbarous bashful bawdy beautiful befitting belligerent berserk better big billowy bizarre black boiling boorish boring boundless brash brawny breezy brief bright broad broken bumpy burly

cagey callous capable capricious ceaseless changeable cheerful childlike chilly chivalrous chubby chunky clammy classy cloistered cloudy clumsy coherent cold colossal combative comfortable cooing cool cooperative courageous cowardly crabby craven crazy credible creepy crooked cuddly cultured curly curved cynical

daffy daily damaged damaging damp dapper dashing dazzling deadpan debonair decisive decorous deep deeply defective delightful demonic deranged deserted detailed determined devilish didactic diligent direful dirty disagreeable discreet disillusioned dispensable divergent dizzy domineering draconian dramatic drunk dry dull dusty dynamic dysfunctional

eager early earsplitting earthy eatable economic educated efficacious efficient elated elderly elfin elite eminent empty enchanting encouraging endurable energetic entertaining enthusiastic equable erect erratic ethereal evanescent evasive evil excellent excited exclusive exotic expensive exuberant exultant

fabulous faded fallacious fanatical fancy fantastic fascinated fast fat faulty fearless feigned fertile festive filthy finicky flagrant flashy flawless flippant flowery foamy foregoing forgetful fortunate frail fretful friendly functional funny furtive futuristic

gabby gainful gamy gaping garrulous gaudy gentle giant giddy gigantic glamorous gleaming glib glorious glossy godly good goofy gorgeous graceful grandiose gratis great greedy green groovy grotesque grouchy gruesome grumpy guarded guiltless gullible gusty guttural

habitual half hallowed halting handsome handsomely hapless happy harmonious heady healthy heartbreaking heavenly heavy hellish helpful hesitant high highfalutin hilarious historical holistic hollow honorable horrible hospitable huge hulking humdrum humorous hungry hurried hurt hypnotic hysterical

icky idiotic ignorant illegal illustrious imaginary immense imminent impartial imperfect imported incandescent incompetent inconclusive industrious innate instinctive internal invincible irate itchy

jaded jagged jazzy jealous jittery jobless jolly joyous judicious jumbled jumpy juvenile

kaput kind kindhearted knotty knowing knowledgeable known

labored lackadaisical lacking lamentable languid large late laughable lavish lazy lean learned legal lethal level lewd light likeable literate little lively long longing lopsided loutish lovely loving low lowly lucky ludicrous lush luxuriant lying lyrical

macabre macho maddening madly magenta magical magnificent majestic makeshift malicious mammoth maniacal many marked massive materialistic mature measly meek melodic merciful mere mighty mindless miniature minor miscreant moaning modern moldy momentous muddled mundane murky mushy mysterious

naive nappy narrow nasty nauseating nebulous needless needy neighborly nervous new nice nifty noiseless noisy nonchalant nondescript nonstop nostalgic nosy noxious null numberless numerous nutritious

oafish obedient obeisant obscene obsequious observant obsolete obtainable oceanic odd offbeat old omniscient onerous optimal orange ordinary organic ossified oval overconfident overjoyed overrated overt overwrought

painful painstaking panoramic parched parsimonious pastoral pathetic peaceful penitent perfect periodic permissible perpetual petite phobic picayune piquant placid plant plant plausible pleasant plucky pointless political possessive precious premium pretty prickly productive profuse protective proud psychedelic psychotic puffy pumped puny purple

quack quaint quarrelsome questionable quick quickest quiet quixotic quizzical

rabid racial ragged rainy rambunctious rampant rare raspy ratty rebel receptive recondite red redundant reflective relieved reminiscent resolute resonant rhetorical righteous rightful ritzy roasted robust romantic roomy round royal ruddy rural rustic ruthless

sable sad sassy satisfying savoy scandalous scarce scary scientific scintillating scrawny secretive sedate seemly selective shallow shocking short shrill silly sincere skillful skinny sloppy slow small smelly sneaky snobbish snotty soggy somber sordid spectacular spicy spiffy spiritual splendid spooky spurious squalid square squeamish staking standing statuesque steadfast stereotyped stimulating stingy strange subdued subsequent successful succinct sulky supreme swanky sweltering symptomatic synonymous

taboo tacit tacky talented tall tame tan tangible tangy tart tasteful tawdry tearful telling temporary tender tenuous tested testy therapeutic thinkable threatening tight tightfisted tiny tiresome toothsome torpid tough towering tranquil trashy tricky trite truculent typical

ubiquitous ugliest ugly ultra unable unaccountable unadvised unarmed unbecoming unbiased uncovered understood undesirable unequaled uneven unsightly unsuitable unusual upbeat uppity upset uptight used utopian utter uttermost

vacuous vagabond vague various vast vengeful venomous verdant versed victorious vigorous vivacious voiceless volatile voracious vulgar

wacky waggish wakeful wanting warlike warm wary wasteful wasteful watchful watery weak wealthy weary wee wet whimsical whispering wholesale wicked wide willing wiry wise wistful woebegone womanly wonderful wooden woozy workable worried worthless wrathful wretched wry

x-rated

yellow yielding young youthful yummy

zany zealous zippy zonked

The Little Matriarch

I'm staring at a $5 check from Peg Leg Publishing (rock star payday for inclusion in a poetry anthology) and thinking about my 20 year old cat (Serendipity, Sere, i.e., Sara for short) who, it seems, is on her way out. This cat was formerly a crowd favorite. While the other one (Roxanne, years dead and buried in the landscaping just off the patio of our old house in Kalamazoo, MI) would seek out the deepest recesses of the house during our large, obnoxious, improv jam session parties, Sere went from hand to hand, soaking in all the petting she could get. And there could never be enough. She was a glutton for attention. Meanwhile she is also the talkiest, whiniest, most demanding cat I've ever known--one who would actually hound you with her shrill whining at all hours of the day until that bowl of wet food was refilled.

She's now gone oddly silent.

And become indifferent to the wet food she would constantly demand.

And seems to have no more interest in being touched.

And has me counting the times I yelled at her to get "the fuck out of the kitchen" when her bleating had taken me to the throbbing edge of yet another hangover.

Yeah, there's all the cliche's: You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Live every moment like it's your last. Treat others like you'd want them to treat you, (i.e., be your best you at all times, etc.) Which drags Jesus and of course Buddha and the ideal of compassion for all creatures, especially the small and helpless, into this. But let's see how you stand up to ten minutes of shrill bleating from an animal you just fed half an hour ago when your head is thoroughly twisted up in all manner of self concerns. I liken it to someone, let's say a six year old kid, tapping on your forehead with an index finger while going "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, " while you're trying to sleep it off on the couch.

The poem in the anthology is about a dead guy nicknamed Don Ho. A figure who's presence and absence set the evening's tone at the small bar, Missias (the actual name and spelling) I used to frequent back in the 'Zoo. Don Ho died at home and sat dead in a chair in his apartment for two days, a rocks glass of whiskey long gone to water at his elbow by the time they found him.

I'm wondering if I'll end up finding Serendipity curled up stiff in some corner. I hope she goes that easy. I'm wondering if we'll cremate her and if I'll take some of her ash for my altar as a reminder of my often failing patience. Or if the ground here in Muncie, IN is soft enough this late in the season to accept a shovel.

Either way, she's got me, because the silent mornings thereafter will always be filled with the presence of her absence. And I'll somehow find a way to make that about me instead of her, which is something the dead require.

What Holds Us Together is What Keeps Us Apart

I'm currently fascinated with this phrase and its potential mutations. So much so that I'm hoping to eventually develop a midi-based interface that enables me to combine it with sound and visual images while scrambling the words at will. On one level I think I might be talking about boundaries, skin, ideas, social networking technologies. Whatever it is that keeps us from truly knowing and connecting with others while simultaneously implying a connection. This is some esoteric b.s. surely, but I obviously need to work through it nonetheless. And thus I mutate:

What Holds Us Together

is what keeps us apart
what holds us together

is what keeps us together
what holds us apart

is what keeps us
together what holds us

together is what keeps us
apart is what holds us together

apart is what keeps us apart.
what holds us together

is what keeps us apart.